he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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