You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
