I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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