i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
