you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
