I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
