did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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