Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
