hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
