Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
