are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
