you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
