Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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