I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
