Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
