i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
