Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
