Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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