dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
