i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
