Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just threw up on my dentist
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
