census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
