I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Houston, we have a blender
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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