i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
