Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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