I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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