i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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