I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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