i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
