So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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