I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
