Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
