did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
