Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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