My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
