i just had sex bonerless
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
