After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
