Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
