I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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