I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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