I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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