your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
