I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
