My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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