I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My ass is underappreciated
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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