I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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