I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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