In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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