the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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