help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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