she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
